February…
Also known as the love month or the “singles awareness” month depending on what stage of life you’re in.
It got me thinking about what I wanted to share and all my sleep-deprived brain could do was picture pink hearts, teddy bears and the best date ideas for Valentines Day. But- is it just me or does that sound like the most boring read ever? So I did something different.
*This post may contain affiliate links, which means I may receive a small commission, at no cost to you, if you make a purchase through a link. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases. I only recommend products I personally use and love!*
I created a survey with these 7 questions and asked for anonymous responses.
- How long have you been married/ in a long-term relationship?
- Do you have a favorite tradition, activity or hobby that you enjoy with your partner?
- What makes you stay committed? And why is it worth it?
- What is your best piece of advice for handling arguments/ fights? Do you have any rules?
- What are the best marriage/ relationship resources you’ve seen or used? (podcasts, speakers, books, videos? Etc.)
- What is something small that goes a long way in a relationship?
- If you could give one piece of advice to someone who is waiting to find their “person” what would it be?
And after reviewing 390 YEARS worth of relationship tips, I got something much more real than pink hearts or cheesy date ideas. #Praise.
I’ve collected everyones wisdom and boiled it down to the 5 biggest relationship tips. Whether you’re crazy in love, looking for love, or looking to refresh love- there’s something in here for you.
Relationship tip 1:
Connection doesn’t require a grand adventure.
I’m going to assume you’ve seen the bachelor- or at least heard of it. If not I’ll catch you up in 6 seconds. There are a billion seasons of people going on dates on giant yachts and private jets. Flying away for weeks at a time to white sandy beaches, being swooned by their favorite country artists, and dancing under the stars in Oscar worthy outfits. And in that moment where life is actually perfect– they think they’ve found true love. Which is cool…
Except it’s not real life. And who wants a love that only works when everything is perfect? And while I’ll never say no to a paid trip to paradise, you can’t wait for those once in a lifetime moments to be truly happy.
The happiest moments and traditions that people shared were the simple ones.
Making dinner together, long road trips, drinking wine, date night under twinkly lights, talking in bed before they sleep, dance parties, yoga class, board games, drinking craft beer, spending time outdoors, in bed (#Duh), traveling together, and trying new things.
The deepest kind of connection comes from knowing and being known. And people, you don’t need a private island to know that’s the shit.
Relationship Tip 2:
Commitment is a decision, not a feeling.
Asking people why they “stay” was interesting. I found everyone stays for a different reason. Some stay for the kids, the friendship, the faith, the bigger picture, the growth, the love, the joy, the partnership, or the support.
But everyone knew why they were staying. And most everyone communicated that knowing the why is what kept them steady during the hard days.
Relationship tip 3:
Learn from each argument and you’ll be unstoppable.
I asked readers how to fight or argue in a way that’s productive.
Mainly because when Ben and I are mad we LEGIT wrestle. it. out.
I’m serious, we go for best out of 3.
Part of my brain is like- “this is genius” because we’re like secretly doing the breathing work, and there’s no time for eye rolls or poorly timed smirks, just straight up muscle trying to pin the other one down. And you usually end up saying the thing that you’ve been dancing around because all the blood is flowing and all the sudden it’s over before it festers.
And then the other part of my brain is like… “Victoria. No!”.
Do I suggest this? NO, of course not.
Are we total weirdos. Absolutely.
But at the same time… it can’t be that bad?
Instead of waiting until we are 80 and suffering from two broken hips- I had to know. What is the secret to successful fighting?
What I learned is that there are no universal rules for fighting.
Some people swear by going to bed angry and taking the space they need before hurting the other out of anger. And then others say they always find a way to make up before bed. But everyone agreed that they did what felt right for them.
There were SO many gems in this arguing section, I couldn’t pick or summarize. So here are some of the best:
“Don’t say something in the moment that you can’t take back later”
Ask yourself “is this hill worth dying on?”
“Would you rather be right or would you rather be married”
“Is someone hungry?” (Tears rolling down my face because- yes.)
“Listen to hear them, not to respond”
“Talk how you want to be talked to”
“Don’t let it fester, talk before it becomes something big”
“Fight the fight in front of you, not the one you can’t let go of”
“Don’t try to win, try to solve”
“Lean into the uncomfortable feelings and communicate them”
“Forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling”
“Stop before you spiral, agree to disagree, and try again later”
Relationship tip 4:
Surround yourself with a community who lives like you aspire to.
I expected that every couple thats gone the distance would swear by a book or a speaker or something that gives the rest of us newbies some black and white guidance.
Counseling, premarital, books, and podcasts were listed but almost every single person mentioned that they spent time with people whose lives they admire. Parents, grandparents, close friends, mentors, church family and married couples living alongside them had the biggest influence.
If you are looking for guidance, there is so much wisdom here. Surround yourself with a community that is walking the walk.
*There were a few books that were recommended several times. For those of you looking suggestions I’ve linked them below.
Laugh your way to a better marriage,
The 5 love languages,
Love and Respect
Relationship tip 5:
The little things add up to big things.
There are almost 400 years worth of marriage experience in my notes and when asked what small thing is actually BIG the most common answers are as follows:
“Just think about them”.
Think about how to make them smile, or what might make a moment of their day easier. Think about what they need and what might surprise them. It doesn’t have to be complicated.
“Laugh together”.
Life has a lot of serious moments- but not ALL of them need to be. Laugh and be silly- enough so you get that deep breath in your belly that makes you feel alive again.
“An un-rushed kiss and a long hug”
It’s no surprise that this one made the list. It seems like it is easily overlooked but slowing down sends a subtle message to your partner that you care about them and want to spend time with them.
John Gottman is the master of relationships and he suggests that a 6 SECOND kiss can boost closeness and increase intimacy. He calls it a “kiss with potential”. It also will boost the love and bonding hormone (oxytocin) and decrease the stress hormone (cortisol) in your brain.
I’ve linked the original 6 second kiss blog HERE if you’d like to learn more.
For the people who are still looking…
The most common piece of advice was to stop looking and start living. Stop waiting around and instead give your time and energy to things you love, things that bring you joy, things that scare you and things that make you a better version of yourself.
Your person will come and you won’t have to force it. It will be easier and feel better than you expected. Don’t settle, don’t be too anxious- be true to yourself and make sure that you are a whole person looking to live alongside another whole person.
And lastly, one of my favorite pieces of advice “wait for someone who is a FU*% YES- not just a person you ‘really like’ –it will be so worth the wait”.
After sifting through the years of shared wisdom my biggest takeaway is that everyone is figuring it out as they go. No one has all the answers.
If you can stay engaged enough to learn from the mix ups, humble enough to say sorry, brave enough to forgive, and willing to kiss just a second (or 6) longer …. the rest is water under the bridge.
So whether you’re single, deep in love, or looking for a refresh button, don’t settle for candy hearts or big stuffed animals this February. Do the work to keep growing yourself and your relationships (current or future) will flourish because of it.
Happy Love Month Ya’ll. Go make it the best one yet.
I love hearing from you all, so be sure to drop a comment below with your favorite takeaway or a piece of relationship advice that changed the game for you!
Xo,
Victoria
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Remember, always check with your health care professional before starting any new diet or exercise program. Any product recommendation is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. Our statements and information have not necessarily been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration.
Every body and person is different. Therefore, We cannot and do not guarantee that you will attain a specific or particular result, and you accept the risk that results differ for each individual. As with any health-related program or service, your results may vary.
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